I love to write (obviously). So I have half-filled journals scattered throughout my house on bookshelves, coffee tables, and nightstands.
Anywhoo.
The other day I found my journal from when I was in grad school.
As I began reading, and reminiscing on my decision to go natural, I was disturbed by a handful of entries where I discussed being ‘disappointed’ with my curl pattern.
Like many, being newly natural can be a scary experience. The unknown is daunting, especially when you’re not sure how your hair will look after it’s been cut. Because I had basically shaved all my hair off, I was in the dark on my curl pattern. For the first few months, I had waves and tiny tendrils, which I loved.
But there was a point in Sheeba's infancy (months 3-6) where I was disappointed.
The first time I went natural, my hair had a very loose Quisqueyan curl pattern (3a/3b), so I was expecting the same ‘suave’ hair. I’m not sure what happened this time around, but for the first few months of her life, Sheeba had various curl patterns. The front would wave (with gel), but there was very little going on in the back.
I hated it, so much, that I began comparing myself to …myself.
My Pecola Breedlove phase lasted for a few weeks, in part because I had no idea what to do with my hair. I couldn't wear it down, didn't have the patience to rod set it, and had no clue how to maintain moisture.
I would literally wake up and tie a stocking around her as a headband, and keep it moving. I hated the way she looked, and she hated the way I treated her. It was a vicious cycle, but then I began educating myself on different products and maintenance techniques, and my inner Pecola disappeared.
I meet natrualista’s daily who wish they had my hair. I recently posted a picture in response to the frequent comments I received from a colleague on how she 'wanted my hair'. I've been there, and know how frustrating it can be to see a style, try to mimic it, only to end up in the same puff you had before.
Over time I learned what worked for my hair, and realized that at the end of the day this head of Haitian coily with a dash of Marabou is growing as The Almighty designed her to; I can’t be mad at that.
So whether you have 3a or 4z hair, learn to love your locks.
And if the love just isn’t there….you can always turn to weave (but that’s another post).
